July 5, Tuesday: Rest day
July 6, Wednesday: Offset
July 7, Thursday: Called in sick
July 8, Friday: ???

Will I see you tomorrow? I can’t wait to see you again.. pictures won’t suffice. Heck, you look better in person!

 

July 8, Friday

Eye contact. Yes. That’s the only thing we did. Eye contact. That’s enough to make my day. :) Caught glances from you. Well, I got some, too.

July 9, Saturday

I woke up at around 5:45 and I looked like shit as I walked into the office. No makeup. Again, I looked like shit. I even have this medium-sized pimple which decided to stay on the middle of my forehead. I think I got this one last Tuesday. I don’t know. Damned pimple. I think it’s getting bigger each day.

At around 7:40, I’ve decided to put on makeup (lips & eyebrows) before washing my tumbler. I was busily chatting with my office buds and almost done washing when he entered the pantry.

“Hi, Lica”

There he goes again. It was too soft that my friends didn’t hear what he said. Maybe he was that close that’s why I was able to hear it.

“Good morning”. Again, I greeted with a smile.
I looked for a diversion, and voila, Marvin looked at me and I decided to tell him that I’m going to join him for breakfast. I was surprised with what I said since I don’t usually eat at the pantry (because I prefer eating at my station). I hurriedly went on my way to get my packed meal (thanks, mom) and yes, what you’re thinking is correct. He’s still there, making coffee. What am I going to do? I honestly didn’t know that to do. So instead of talking to him AGAIN, I sat down and avoided eye contact. All of my friends who knows I like him all stared at me with WTF expressions plastered on their faces. I was shushing them since there were a lot of people at the pantry that time. I was acting really cool, you know. I guess I’m liking him a little less. Or maybe, I just learned how to contain my feelings.

I can’t remember the exact time I decided to open the pack of biscuits I have at my station, but all I can remember was I opened it so that I can talk to him. Haha! I know, I can’t talk to him, so I need food to help me say something to him. I gave some to my friends before going to his station. I told him to get some, but he said he didn’t want to. I know he wants to, but I think he’s too shy. All he could muster to say was “hi” with my name in it. I know, he’s too slow for a guy, but hey, who’s in a rush, anyway? I told him to get some, again, but he doesn’t want to. Alright. I really didn’t wish for him to get some. What I needed was the strength those biscuits gave me just so I can talk to him. :) It was a success.

I brushed my teeth at around 7:10pm. I was still holding my toothbrush on my right hand, no tint on my lips, when I crossed him on my way to my station.

“Lica” with that cute smile of his.

Oh, Lord. What did I do, you ask? I half bowed with that no-lipstick smile on my face. I looked disgusting, yet he still chose to say my name and notice me. I know, too much assumptions. But who wouldn’t? I like him, and I love this feeling. :)

 July 12, Tuesday

As shocking as it may sound, I’ve opened his schedule yesterday to check if he has scheduled classes today. And fortunately, he has, so I’ve decided to bake cupcakes before working out.

I was supposed to give him some of the crinkles which I enclosed in a tissue sheet, but changed my mind since there’s a lot of people everywhere, and I just can’t give it away just like that. I like him that much, but I just can’t be the hottest topic of the day.
I made sure the coast is clear before executing my real plan. I was in pure ecstasy as I float my way to his place. It seemed as if I was daydreaming while holding the container full of crinkles which was supposed to be given ONLY to him, but for it not to be that of a give away, was given to other people, too. I know, smooth, eh? ;) I asked him twice. He was pushing it away, and was too shy to get some at first, but I fucking made him get some. Well, he got 2 crinkles which was disappointing. But of course, there’s always Plan B.
Before he start having classes again, I got 3 crinkles in a tissue sheet, hopped to his station, placed it on his desk, and told him that I baked for him. Oh God, his reaction was too cute I wasn’t able to take in what he said. I can’t remember if he thanked me or what, all I know is that I finally talked to him without anyone’s help. Sweet Lord, I am a vixen! Well, mostly on the inside.

July 13, Wednesday

I fucking dolled up today. Got my old hair clip with a pretty ribbon on it on my half-up hair, wore preppy clothes, and got nothing from him. I don’t even know if he noticed! Well, maybe he did since he was staring/looking at me as he walked to his station, but fuck, he didn’t even say hi! I was this close to saying “HEY! I’M DOING THIS ALL FOR YOU!” but who am I to demand? I don’t even know if he likes me, too.. Dang it!

July 14, Thursday

I was supposed to be out with my colleagues after buying ingredients and other stuff for Chelsea’s birthday tomorrow, but since he didn’t join them and was gone in a heartbeat, I decided not to. I was super excited at first, but when I found out that he wasn’t that interested and preferred to be alone, I backed down. The funny thing was, I was just right behind him. I was fucking speed walking, running, sprinting, and holding on dear life just to catch up, but he’s just that fast. I told my friend to take the other way so that he won’t think that I’m stalking him since I’m already just a foot behind him. Gosh. I really am a stalked. Do I really like him that much for me to be desperately seeking his presence? WTH.

July 15, Friday

I. fucking. cried.

You said I shouldn’t have given you cupcakes. Why? Why not? Everyone loved it..

We saw each other at the bus terminal. I was listening to Birdy’s Wild Horses when you saw me. You were fucking smiling. The biggest smile I’ve ever seen. I wasn’t in the mood because you didn’t even say thank you for the cupcakes.. I just bowed and half-heartedly smiled at you before walking away. I wanted to walk from Ortigas to Buendia that night just so I can think. There were a lot of questions, but I rode a bus in Greenfield, so fuck that. You should’ve talked to me.. stopped me, or even grab my arm just so I’d stay. You know I wouldn’t get mad. I feel so disappointed at you.. I thought you wanted to be friends first.. but why am I making all of the moves just to get to you? You’re unfair. So unfair..

July 16, Saturday

I waited for you, you know. What took you so long? I went home disappointed.

July 17, Sunday

They told me everything. Why didn’t you say so yourself? You know I would understand.. I won’t feel bad at all. All I want to know is the truth.. on how you really felt with all of the things I’m doing. You said you wanted to be my friend, and you’ll do things your way.. and you’re just worried that I might think that you don’t like what I gave you when you’re only full.. and that you think I’m shy before I would bow whenever we bump into each other.. why is this even happening to us? I just want you to approach me as often as possible.. I want to talk to you more, you know? To hear your voice.. and to memorize your face.. because I think I’m not seeing you everyday when you’re just a few feet away.

July 20, Wednesday

I waited for 2 days just to see you again. I missed you.
You look so good today.. you just had a haircut, and it fucking looks good on you.
I want to look at you so bad, stare, and just forget the world.. but I just can’t bring myself to. I know I longed for yours, too. If only we can stare at each others eyes as much as we want to, but you wouldn’t let me have you.

I asked you to come with me tonight. I planned everything last Monday. I imagined us walking side by side, talking about things for the first time, laughing whenever we get the chance to, and just feeling our presence now that we are together. Heck, it was all just an imagination, a speck of fiction in a full grown reality biting my heart off. I thought it was all set. You said yes when I asked you to. You were smiling as if you won the lottery. You looked so happy that I mustered everything that I could just so I could talk to you. We had a meeting after shift.. and you didn’t even wait for me. You didn’t even say goodbye. You didn’t tell me you can’t wait. You know I’d understand.. but you chose not to say a word. I was trying to catch your gaze, but you just wouldn’t look at me. You didn’t say goodbye.. and now I’m crying myself to sleep because I know you never tried.

July 21, Thursday

I said I won’t look at you anymore. I won’t even bother to say anything at all. But why? Why did you decide to walk past my station just to say hi? Are you that guilty? Did you forget about last night? Was I that easy to you? Still, I said hi back. What a shame.

July 22, Friday

We did a lot of things today. Today, we had our longest conversation in the office. I’m glad you asked how I’ve been. You made me very happy. I was wearing a formal attire and the only ribbon I own just so you’d notice me. I’m glad you talked to me today.

When I said hello, you just laughed. Why? Why did you laugh? It intrigues me still. I hope it’s a good thing you laughed. :)

July 23, Saturday

We didn’t say anything to each other today. You were so quiet, but too noisy at the same time. After shift, I went with Kat, hoping that some of our colleagues would find me downstairs since I’ll be walking alone if they won’t. I guess we were the first ones to go down. We waited for Chel, but I saw you instead. It was raining that night. I’m glad I brought my umbrella. They were teasing me, telling me that I should go with you. I chose not to because as I said, I was waiting for Chel. If only I’ve known that she went down a few minutes earlier and went home by herself, I would’ve asked you to walk me home.. well, to the bus terminal. You waited a bit by the fountain. I’m not sure if I was the one you’re looking at, but I didn’t assume that it was me that time. There were too many people to assume that it was me you’re looking at, so I dismissed the thought of you looking directly at me.

I decided to walk with other friends, I’m glad I did. You were walking pretty fast that I wasn’t able to catch up. I just wanted to walk home with you, you know. It’s alright if you don’t walk to talk. I quickened up my pace, but unfortunately, once inside the mall, you were nowhere to be seen. Grace told me that maybe you decided to use the restroom before heading home. Well, I believed her. I didn’t give up looking for you. We arrived at the bus terminal. I waited for you there, hoping you’d see us and say hi. Too bad you didn’t see me, and I didn’t realize it was you who passed me by. Are you sure you didn’t see me? Or are you just in a hurry to go home? I understand. There were a lot of classes today. I bet you feel extra tired..

July 24, Sunday

We didn’t talk. I didn’t look your way. I don’t know why.. but I tried everything for you to notice me.. but I guess you looked so busy I didn’t have the guts to distract you.

July 25, Monday

Rest day. I just can’t help but think of you. I dreamt of you last time.. We were so close. I was even your girlfriend.. but that just can’t be. Our friend told me you’re not yet ready..

July 26, Tuesday

I was so busy at work, I’m glad you’re not around to distract me.. but I miss you. I miss you so much..

July 27, Wednesday

You didn’t even look at me.. why? I missed you so much I could cry while typing this. I tried my best for you to look my way.. maybe we are not meant to see each other today. I hope tomorrow’s a good day. Talk to me, okay? I miss you..

July 28, Thursday

I heard you coughing earlier today.. you should rest as much as you can. I know that you have a lot of classes everyday, so you should take vitamins so you won’t be sick.
I didn’t see you today even though we’re a few feet apart. You wouldn’t look at me anymore.. why? Is this really over? But we haven’t started yet..

July 29, Friday

I wanted to catch up.. but you didn’t wait for me. You were walking really fast.. why are you ignoring me? You didn’t even look at me. How many days will we play the Waiting Game? Am I supposed to say hello first? Am I going to be the first one to make a move again? Come on. Man up! :(

July 31, Sunday

I was supposed to give you some of the brownie bars that I’ve baked.. but they told me not to. And yes, you said not to give anymore, so yeah. I let them eat it all up. :( That made me sad.. knowing that I won’t be able to give some of the goodies I’ve baked when you’re the reason why I’m doing it again.. I.. love you. I know in my head that I don’t want you anymore.. that I don’t want to like you anymore.. but I want you. I. WANT. YOU.

August 1, Monday

Finally, I had you. I was even thinking twice before I finally decided to wash my tumbler while you were at the pantry. I said hello first, like hell you would, right?

“Hi, Lica.” you said. I didn’t see you smile this time. You were facing the other way, so that wouldn’t be possible.

I bought you cough syrup earlier because I heard you coughing yesterday. You sounded like you were dying, I mean, it was that bad. I asked some of our friends if I should give it to you. They all said no, and a part of me said no as well, so I think that’s hard as rock “no”, right? I want to say that I want to walk with you tonight since I won’t be seeing you tomorrow, but all of them might be disappointed at me for asking you again.. I just want to be friends. I don’t want to be your girlfriend anyway. I know you’ve got a lot of responsibilities right now, and I don’t want to be one. I like you, but that’s it. I don’t want commitment. Not now.. because I think I’m starting to dislike you. I mean it. I’m starting to fall out of love.. is there really such a thing? Falling out of love? I bet it’s bullshit.

 

 

This has been a draft for almost a month now, so I’ve decided to just publish it. Fuck it. I don’t care anymore if my colleagues would find out about me liking him.. Fuck that.

 

edit/update:

Today is the 10th of August. After publishing this entry, something happened. I don’t know how or why it happened. It just happened!! We started talking. We send text messages to each other! OMG I KNOW THIS IS CRAZY! We even rode the bus home togetherrrrrrrrrrrr! Will be posting updates. Let’s just pray he won’t find my blog. OMFG I CANNOT!

 

 

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